T-Shi(r)t
Could I have stumbled upon the best, and most un-buyable, t-shirt ever?
I found myself inexplicably wandering around the Upper East Side the other week. It’s a difficult neighborhood to like, and I’d imagine a challenging one to defend should you live there. I guess if you enjoy surrounding yourself with other white people in various stages of plastic-surgery recovery, then it’s definitely your kind of place. As it was raining, I reluctantly entered the Macy’s there looking to buy an umbrella.
Walking through the men’s section, a mannequin wearing a daring fashion statement stopped me in my tracks:
At first, you might read this as, “The first thing you have to do IS kill me.” That would be kind of a cool taunt coming from whomever had the guts to wear it (especially in this town). But if you do take the time to read the garment correctly, it begs many questions:
1) Is it prudent to don any shirt that has the words “KILL” and “ME” in succession?
2) If someone were interested in killing the wearer, are they supposed to ask what the ‘first thing’ is?
3) Did the Bangladeshi with poor ESL skills at the garment factory play “t-shirt writer” for the day?
4) Is it possible in any economy to justify the $45 cost of this garment?
5) Has even one dude bought this shirt?
6) If so, was the buyer suicidal, an eastern European tourist, Corey Feldman, or all of the above?
If that weren’t enough controversy, the front is literally only the half of it. Most of us enjoy or even own the occasional ironic/clever T (Snorg, Threadless, etc.), but how does one wear a shirt with this printed on the back in any way ironically?
So there you have it: bold graphic design, and an even bolder statement. If we liked your approach, we love your departure because you’ve simply confirmed our opinion of you and your fashion decision.
Could this all be explained by the fact that Macy’s stores tailor their offerings to appeal to the local population? Makes sense, given the location. And you have to secretly applaud the Macy’s associate whose commitment to excellence demanded they add several touches that make the ensemble even ‘douchier’ (if that were even possible). I submit to you the summer scarf and the classic long-sleeve underneath: if you look closely, you’ll see that it’s ribbed…for everyone’s pleasure.
Question: Who do YOU think would/should wear this shirt?
You can’t fault parents for taking their kids on a cross-country summer road trip. You can start questioning their judgment when they take the southern route. In August. In a car without air conditioning. Should you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here’s a handy how-to guide on mobile pet-care.
Step 1: Get Yourself a Pet
After many sweltering hours on the road in our brand new 1980 Rabbit Diesel (with a lusty 48hp under the hood), relief was in sight as we’d soon reach my uncle’s place in Phoenix. It was my official “birthday month” and since we’d already stopped at the homes of four relatives, this was to be celebration #5 of my eighth birthday. But this one was different. Why? Because I got the coolest present yet: a light-green lizard plus a bag of live wax worms to feed it.
The little guy came complete with a clear plastic carrying case featuring rocks, a fake log, a spray-bottle, and some advice. My uncle said: “It’s gonna be hot in that box during your car trip, so spray him with lots of water.” I listened to his words of wisdom as I stared intently at my living gift, my finger jammed securely up my nose [see Fig. 2].
Fig. 2
Step 2: Love That Pet Like No Other
“Dad, can I spritz my lizard?” I asked as we headed west out of Phoenix. “Sure,” he replied, happily tapping his fingers on the wheel. Traffic was moving smoothly, my mom was in front deciphering the TripTik map, my brother was in back memorizing the latest Archie & The Jugheads comic. This was a happy time in our speeding silver family capsule. How content Mr. Lizard looked in his box—despite it hovering around 120ºF in there—his green skin glistening with water, his little eyes smiling. Our destination that day was the AAA-rated, and air-conditioned, Motel Quartzsite in western Arizona, 150 miles east of California. Upon arrival, I took my lizard into the bathroom to give him his wax worm dinner and we heard some funny noises through the wall. We investigated through a peephole; in the adjacent room were two nude people on the bed making strange noises, crawling around on each other. Weird, I thought, and went back to feeding my lizard. I pointed out the funny business going on through the peephole to my father who then strode straight across the parking lot to reception to change our room. A letter would be written to AAA.
Step 3: Attend to Your Pet’s Needs
The next morning, after a few more hundred miles of scorching pavement, dad was at his worst. We’d just run into major construction traffic that was putting us behind schedule to reach L.A. He was a tightly wound driver as a rule, even with one Sunday driver around…much less the thousands motoring along with us that day. During these ‘sub-optimal stretches’ he’d often reach back and pinch our legs when we were being loud and obnoxious. By Rancho Cucamonga our legs had been pinched plenty, and Mr. Lizard was looking seriously depleted under his little log. He was beseeching me to spray with reckless abandon. I replied in wordless conversation, “But Dad’s in such a crappy mood, if I make any noise it’ll totally set him off!”
“I’m burning up in here, Todd,” cried the lizard, “Besides, the spray-bottle only makes a tiny whisper of a sound.”
Step 4: Go That Extra Mile for Your Pet
No longer able to bear the silent cries of Mr. Lizard, I asked ever-so-meekly: “Dad, can I spritz my lizard?” imploring him via the rear view mirror with my most puppy-dog look. After a moment of stony silence, he closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and replied, “No, you cannot.” All sound was sucked out of our nuclear family projectile. My mother, brother and I knew it was useless to contradict him. My lizard gave me a sad, resigned look, knowing I’d tried my best. When we rolled up to my aunt’s house in Costa Mesa, my lizard had funny black smudges under his eyes, and his fragile, miniature ribcage wasn’t moving. My birthday gift was dead.
Step 5: Remember Your Pet Fondly
I never understood why I even asked permission to spritz, as my dad would never have known (I think it was because when he got that keyed up we did everything we could to keep him from going nuclear). But Mr. Lizard did live on, in a way, for the next 25 years until my father’s passing. Whenever I wanted something from him and felt it necessary to break out the heavy firepower, I’d quietly ask, “Dad, can I spritz my lizard?” His face would soften, his eyes would grow sad, and he’d say guiltily, “Of course you can, son.”
To Not-Quite-Kill a Mockingbird
UPDATE 5/1/2012: I’ve received many comments on this blog-posting, some lauding me as a hero, others vilifying me for tormenting these poor, fragile birds. I sincerely wish everyone luck in ridding their nights (and days) of this scourge. Cheers. -Todd
It’s been over a month of sleeplessness for me and my wife (and I have to assume my neighbors). But no one has had the guts to deal with the problem.
The ‘problem’ is a foe so diabolical, he’s driven many to near-insanity. Like thousands of other Brooklynites this summer, my arch-enemy for the last month has been a 3-ounce lightweight that packs a big, audible punch: the northern mockingbird [Fig. 1]. But tonight I say “enough”; I will no longer let this bastard control my life. Tonight is the night I bring the beatdown.
Fig. 1: this little guy sings all night
Here’s some audio I captured (with commentary) so you can get a taste of this special li’l fella’s song–often said to resemble a car alarm in its incessant and varied song.
He goes off like clockwork every night at 11:40pm. His warm-up consists of a ‘blaaat’ sound similar to a flatulating Model T, then he adds a little musical flourish to the end. But that’s just the teaser to let you know he’s out there, ready to party. The northern mockingbird doesn’t make a peep again until 12:45am then sings all through the night until–wait for it–5am. You’re thinking, “bullsh*t.” Bulltrue. Just one look at those beady little eyes in the pic above and you know who rules the roost. Hint: he does.
So I asked for some help from my old pal The Internet. Search “Kill and Mockingbird” and obviously the results revolve around the book and author Harper Lee. Beyond that, there’s really only one page with remotely relevant information, but the guy’s such a bird-loving pacifist, you get no useful tips on how to get rid of it.
“Without a doubt, losing sleep because a Mockingbird is singing at night is no fun. The answer to this problem is to change our own behavior and not the birds…a step you can take is to move your sleeping quarters to another room in your house.
Remember, he is trying to attract a mate, his song is a courting song. If we stop to consider… we may remember what kind of nuisance we once were, when we went a-courting”
I’m sorry, but when you use the phrase “went a-courtin,” I’ve lost all respect for you. But that’s the least of my issues with this person’s post. The solution is that I can “move my sleeping quarters”? Oh right, I have so many choices when it comes to bedrooms in our one-bedroom apartment. The internet let me down, it was time to earn a new merit badge all on my own: Mockingbird Hunter.
Preparations for Battle
So how to rid the communal backyard of our mutual foe while everyone else pretended to sleep? BB Gun? After much thought, it’d be a random shot without the assistance of night vision or infrared goggles. Besides, when I knock out a couple of windows and permanently blind a child, a bird is the least of my problems. Flamethrower? No longer available at my local hardware store. Jumping into the tree in a flailing rage? There’s more of a chance of impaling myself on a branch than achieving my goal. What’s the humane yet most-likely-to-succeed approach? It was so obvious: a concentrated blast of water. Time to suit up:
HOSE provided by Landlord who was also losing sleep for over a month [√]
WATER [√]
ANGER [√]
Then it was time to wait. And that wouldn’t take long if I knew my adversary.
The Night of Reckoning
Just like clockwork at 11:40pm, the villain cleared his throat. My wife said, “Here he goes again.” I replied in a flinty tone, “No, he’s teasing us.” An hour later at 12:45, right on his regular schedule, he began his first ‘set.’ I got up, slipped on my sandals, and headed out to the roof.
I triangulated the bird’s position with my finely-tuned senses and pointed the nozzle as close to the sweet-spot as I could figure. Moments after the first burst of water sprung forth from the mighty howitzer, I saw a shadow on the neighboring building wall–a tiny form, small as a bumblebee–rise up and fly off. I couldn’t believe it: one blast of water did it after a month of tyranny? Was victory truly at hand? [see Fig. 2]
Fig. 2 victorious (and disturbing?)
As I returned to bed from battle, my wife lay silent next to me, unstirred. No ticker tape parade for this hero. No medals or keys to the city (much less neighborhood). But in my elation, I couldn’t let the moment pass, so I nudged her and asked, “Do you hear that?”
She replied, “Hear what?”
I said satisfied: “Exactly.”
keywords: How to actually kill a mockingbird. kill a mockingbird, maim a mockingbird
Why CareerBuilder.com is Awesome
un-retouched job posting
For those employed and looking for a different gig—or those unfortunately out of work—let’s take a moment to talk about why CareerBuilder is so “great.” Amidst the long list of job openings they send out each week, you occasionally get a gem like this one that speaks volumes with its brevity.
First, the listing is for a copywriter position and it’s written very confusingly/poorly–demonstrating how desperately this company needs a good writer.
Next, what position for CyberCoders requires the ideal candidate be not only a Mexican, but also have delivered a child? Isn’t CyberCoders setting themselves up for a quick ‘n’ easy discrimination lawsuit from applicants who are not Mexican women?
Third, could this be a position for a new minority sub-brand of the advertising agency “Mother“? I for one would love to be rocking a card for a company called ‘Creative Mexican Mother.’
Finally, the “Few applicants” icon shows that perhaps it really IS intended for Mexican moms, but the “Very Good Match” contradicts that immediately as I’m a gringo dude sans kids.
It’s such a rich tapestry that this little ad has woven. And it proves that no, not everyone is a writer.
[the following were re-posted from AgencySpy.com] And Now a Few Moments with the Unemployed, Part I
For those currently on staff at 5pm, the thought is: “When the F can I get out of here?”
For the recently laid-off, it’s: “Wouldn’t it be great to be sitting in a real office thinking about when I can get the F out of there?”
Once you sign the separation papers and get over the shock of being laid off, it feels like a world of possibility opens up. Just think of all the grand things you’ll do, like finish that “Fast and the Furious” meets “Nights in Rodanthe” screenplay. Go into a different line of work like community organizing. Maybe become a reluctant blogger?
When you get a few weeks into your unemployment, the bright luster wears off. Days don’t feel “airy and free” so much as “scary and desperately wide open.” I’m going to take another bike ride around the park, visit another museum, finish another season of ‘227‘ on DVD? This is when you realize all you’re really going to do is shamelessly network to find another job you’ll eventually complain about.
Looking for a job, as they say, is a full-time job. And you soon discover there’s a blurry line between networking and other unsanitary pursuits… like prostitution. You’re doing very uncomfortable things with people you wouldn’t normally contact, all in hopes of getting paid.
To get that elusive new gig, you’ll be spending your time doing such things as joining Facebook (if you hadn’t already) to friend all sorts of remote acquaintances and colleagues you never enjoyed working with. You’ll make appointments at agencies all over town for sad-sounding “informational interviews.” You’ll send out loads of emails and check your in-box no fewer than 100 times a day. You may even sign up at CareerBuilder.com for job leads like the gem I got yesterday: KFC Team Member/Supervisor (see above).
The site said it was a “Fair Match” but I think I’ll hold out for at least a “Meh” one.
Coming up later this week Beeby will also be getting into:
- The Finer Points of COBRA
- Lean Pockets vs. Hot Pockets
- The Dangers of Netflix’s “Watch Instantly” Functionality
- When the Severance Ends
Let’s walk through the stages of job-loss grief, shall we?
1. Denial: “I’m sure management will lay off at least a few overpaid ECDs to save people lower on the totem pole.”
2. Anger: “They didn’t lay off a single [expletive] ECD?!”
3. Bargaining: “How about you give me more severance?”
4. Depression: “Shit, they didn’t give me more severance.”
5. Acceptance: “Guess I’ll start looking for work.”
6. Netflix: “But first, I’ll check what’s on ‘Watch Instantly’.”
If you subscribe to Netflix, chances are you’ve seen the tab for “Watch Instantly.” Now available for use on Mac and PC, this is a dangerous bit of functionality for the unemployed. Throughout these long weeks of not reporting to work, I take pride in not exposing my fragile psyche to the damaging effects of daytime TV (case in point: today on “Judge David Young” a women sues a neighbor after his dog killed her goat… might as well follow that up with “Just Shoot Me”). But Netflix? That’s a different story because it’s not really TV. You’re actively spending time in front of your computer, able to quickly check email and job postings. Besides, if looking for a job is like a full-time job, there’s some time that needs obliterating.
Taking a Netflix break can start off as a noble pursuit, and one with strict guidelines: “I’ll only watch art films, BBC productions of classic novels, and documentaries.” But this soon devolves into: “I can watch anything that does not feature Tina Yothers.” Your Netflix ‘break’ soon devolves into a binge where you’re consuming everything in your path and feeling exceedingly guilty about afterwards. After plowing through the semi-justifiable content-like several seasons of “30 Rock”, “Weeds”, and “Friday Night Lights” – I got to my lowest point: attempting to watch an episode of the BBC series “Hotel Babylon” (which I’m thankful didn’t make the jump over the pond like “The Office”). [see image for other really bad choices]
As a writer who worked on the U.S. Army business, I’m able to rationalize just about anything, so for my time with Netflix, I simply tell myself, “I’m studying dialogue and pacing.” Still, consider this a cautionary tale. Should you unfortunately be out of work, and find your cursor poised over the “Watch Instantly” tab, don’t click it… unless, of course, they put up this sweet Travolta movie.
NEXT UP:
- Is It Still ‘Hump Day’ When You’re Out of Work?
- So You’re Asking Yourself, “How can I help Todd?”
- Recession-Era Hygiene
Most of us have been on both sides of that rip-roaring good time we call ‘Layoff Day.’ We’ve gotten the call into the Executive Office ‘just to chat’, then packed up our boxes to be escorted out of the building by security. We’ve also been the people who stay on, feeling smugly irreplaceable yet guilty as our dejected and scared friends/colleagues walk out the door.
Having been through a total of 7 rounds of layoffs over the years and finally suffering the axe, I realize there are pros and cons for each side. Here are just a few:
FOR THE LAID OFF:
PROS
- So much time to update that resume (and to learn both ‘e’s get accent marks)
- Long lunches at Chuck E. Cheese’s
- Not having to listen to that one vapid blowhard ever again…yeah, THAT dude
- Not having to come up with the sixth round of print ad concepts for that comically idiotic client brand manager
CONS
- Not knowing what to do the next day (try blogging!)
- Hearing the following phrases ad nauseum: “You’ll be fine”, “Everything happens for a reason”, and “Get the hell off my doorstep”
- The uncomfortable silences after being asked, “So what do you do?”
- Forgetting when you last showered
FOR THOSE WHO STAY ON:
PROS
- Getting drunk Layoff Day afternoon with coworkers and ex-colleagues at the closest bar and charging it to the company
- Knowing that after the bloodletting, management will do everything in their power to fix things so this doesn’t happen again
- Realizing you didn’t like the people who got laid off anyway
- More bagels for you on Bagel Day
CONS
- Remembering Bagel Day was phased out
- Knowing you have to kiss more ass than ever to keep your job
- Finding out that one blowhard (yeah, THAT dude) not only didn’t get the axe but he’s your new boss
- Having to come up with the sixth round of print ad concepts for that comically idiotic client brand manager
Just remember, no matter which side of the axe we’re on, it’s not the end of the world. The end of the world is finishing all five seasons of “The Wire” and realizing there won’t be any more.
SHOULD THE AXE SWING AGAIN:
We’re all hoping the deep cuts of Q1 ’09 were the last of it, but if not, here at ‘Helpful Corner’ we’re offering a few tips-n-tricks should the worst happen to you:
- The day of the layoffs–and you’ll taste them in the air–go to the bar immediately and start drinking (let THEM come find YOU)
- Do NOT sign your separation papers immediately (say you need to run them by the lawyer you don’t have)
- Attempt to negotiate for more severance (the bargaining tactic of tears will not help at this juncture)
- Ensure you’re getting the COBRA subsidy paid for by your company as a result of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act signed into law in February–it requires companies to pay 65% of your COBRA premium for up to nine months so it’ll save you a couple grand (feel free to use tears here and tell them you/your wife are/is pregnant)
NEXT UP:
- I Think I’ll Go With the ‘Lean Pocket’ Today
- So You’re Still Asking Yourself, “How Can I Help Todd?”
- How Many Emails to That Agency Recruiter is TOO Many Emails?
As I walk among the buildings of downtown and midtown with no particular place to go, I think of all the productive FUN you people are having inside. Solving problems creatively. Discovering unique and actionable insights. Writing smart creative briefs. Thoughtfully purchasing targeted media. Taking part in focused, rewarding meetings. Partnering with clients as equals to build their brand. Sacrificing personal gain for the good of the company. Just one, big, happy brainstorming family. Whoa, whuh?! You can see how some time on the outside might skew my view of what’s REALLY going on in there.
For the unemployed it’s like this: the city’s having the world’s biggest pizza party, and we’re not invited. And dammit, we’d like some pizza. Even if it’s room temperature. And the Domino’s guy put the cheese up his nose. And the soda-pop is flat. And there’s no ice.
Now we’re not saying you have to love everything about your job. Just take a moment or two to appreciate it; to look at it from another perspective. Here are some tips on how you can make today a brighter one for everyone around you, broken down by department for your convenience:
ACCOUNT FOLK:
- Try NOT being such a good facsimile of the client at today’s internal creative review
- Tell that copywriter you appreciate his/her hard work (they’re insecure!)
- Don’t agree to do everything the client says over the phone then pretend you fought them on it when you tell the creatives
CREATIVES:
- Go hug that account director you’ve been butting heads with…on the lips
- Complain about the planners for only one full hour today
- Present a concept without talking down to the audience
- Look around and realize you’re getting paid to hang out and talk pop culture!
MEDIA:
- What is it you do exactly?
- Because if we knew what you did to make so much money we might change jobs
- Okay, fine, don’t tell us
PLANNERS:
- When writing that brief, remember it’s a “SMIT” not “Thringle Most Important Thing”
- Go green by powering down the ‘PlannerTron 3000 Insight Generator’ and coming up with your own idea
- If you’re going to “recycle” a creative brief, respect your audience enough to change the date
PRODUCERS:
- Say ‘yes’, just once…try it, you’ll be amazed how easy it is
- Tell the creatives you caved to their demands and booked them at Casa Del Mar…in a shared room
- Siphon off some money from that bloated TV production budget for a pizza party…I’m serious
INTERNAL CREATIVE RECRUITERS:
- Call Todd and invite him to that pizza party
Make this a shiny, beautiful new day at YOUR agency. It’s what Dom DeLuise would’ve wanted.
NEXT UP:
- I’m Out of ‘Lean Pockets’
- Do I REALLY Want To Go To The Store?
- I Guess It’s Pickles for Lunch
Cue the classic ‘Loverboy’ tune, modified for the recession: “Most Everybody’s Working for the Weekend!” I’ve gotten some guff in the comment section of these blog entries about how I’m a hack, not talented enough to keep my job, that I have poor penmanship, and am too good-looking. I respectfully disagree. Still, some folks had valid points that perhaps I should take this opportunity to find a new profession or a more meaningful outlet for my energies.
But that is what’s so challenging about unemployment: you know the time off is a good thing in that it gives you time to reflect – that maybe, just maybe, there’s something better for you to be doing out there. But the prevailing thoughts (90%) revolve around paying the bills, especially in expensive cities like NYC; thus regaining “corporate tool” status becomes practical and necessary.
But is that such an awful fate? As much as we might knock our jobs day-to-day, there’s still something about them that we enjoy (beyond the paychecks). For me, it was the camaraderie, unified sense of purpose, and free color copier. Does what we do (or did) have much meaning outside of our little world of advertising? Not really, but you have to admit, it can be a pretty amusing way to make a living. So how do those of us on parole get back in jail?
We all know that in these tough times, open job positions are scarce (unless you’re a Somali with solid piracy skills). How can you stand out in a growing crowd of job-hunters? With UNconventional job-hunting strategies, that’s what! After all, we work in a creative industry where goofiness, childish behavior, and unprofessionalism are actually rewarded. So let’s put some of that creativity advertising is known for into finding a job! It’s a fact that all advertising is responsible, truthful, and never exaggerates a product’s efficacy. That said, using the products an agency sells to sell yourself can be a brilliant way to get noticed! Consider these bold, clutter-busting, in-your-face (yet TOTALLY unproven) self-promotional methods:
- Douse yourself with TEN bottles of AXE Dark Temptation chocolate body spray, stand outside Crispin’s offices and wait for their creative recruiter to walk by on her way to lunch; you’ll be irresistible!
- Road trip! Buy a BMW and drive it straight into GSD&M Idea City’s lobby, taking care to avoid humans, and drop off your portfolio; you’re the Ultimate Self-Promoting Machine!
- Cover yourself in spray adhesive and roll around on a floor blanketed with Skittles. Hang out in TBWA/Chiat’s reception area and scream, “That Skittles guy touched me!”
- For the lady creative: ‘trim your topiary‘ (wink, wink) in front of JWT’s New York HQ with your favorite new product: the Wilkinson Sword Quattro for Women Bikini
- Dress up in an oven costume and have passersby slide Quizno’s ‘Toasty Torpedoes’ into your ‘opening’, that’ll sell you to those Nitro Group higher-ups
I offer these solid-gold ideas free-of-charge, but they’re just the beginning. Put on your thinking cap, peruse those agency reels and come up with your own! Will I do any of the above to get myself a job? Let’s just say I’ve never been good at taking my own advice.
A sincere good luck to those out there looking for work, especially those brave enough to go off in a different direction.
